Pot of Gold was half price at No Frills. Om-Nom-Nom.
Sale purchase fail.
Savouring the taste win.
Hahaha. *sigh*
Monday, January 10, 2011
day 7: louis ck, plasma injections and the mario bros.
*Celebration music with lots of cymbals and bassoon
7 days, what what! 7 days of straight bloggin. That's a lot of prose. Thanks to all who have given feedback. It really does make a difference having people relate, and that affirmation helps me keep going. You guys are like taking a buddy to the gym. Guilt me into staying on track!
To give a rest from the tireless onslaught of monologuing I wanted to take today to share some of the material that got this whole ball rolling. In no particular order, here's some things that inspire thought:
READ AFTER(spoiler): This video made me laugh and think, and then laugh, and then get angry, and then laugh. Louis CK later said in an interview that he was really making a satire of himself. The person on the plane that was pissed about the internet? That was him, and it made me think about what it meant to hold yourself accountable and learn from it.
This is my TV. I'd been planning to get it for a whole year. I'm not ashamed to admit I was really excited and honestly, I had the consumer bug. It was big and shiny and all I could think of was shooting things in HD and having split-screen not give everyone headaches from squinting. I will add that text on the old TV was starting to become completely illegible. The TV didn't get worse, people just started assuming everyone had huge TV's with crazy resolution and made text smaller (no respect for the old skool). I bought it cheap but found out as we were leaving that it wasn't 1080p. Nooooo!!
I was immediately let down. I couldn't help it, the number was so shiny! All it really means is more pixels per inch and therefor a higher resolution. Thing is, this TV was already MORE than what I needed (not that you need a TV, more like needed to satiate my televising desire). It's a 42" behemoth! The picture is stunning! It makes a pretty chime when it turns on as if to say, hello! I wont guilt myself for the purchase, but it made me realize how quickly you can fall from a high horse to the stable muck of pliable consumers (refer to day 6).
(Josh may be the coolest guy I know)
Friends (family and other people you're forced to be close with). This one's a no-brainer. Friends are human. The better the friend, the more face to face with that you'll come. They don't make perfect choices, and neither do you. What's really amazing is that they keep spending time with you, they keep being there for you, and they (if your taste is as discerning as mine) are some of the most amazing people you can find. You can want more from a friendship, or from any relationship really, but it's important to keep it in perspective of what you already have. Someone who will shave in a dirty stache to be the Luigi to your Mario? Hell yeah.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
day 6: consume, consume, consume, consume, con...
Consumer culture.
There, blog done.
No, seriously, consumer culture is a huge topic on my mind at any given time. It's probably one of the biggest pit falls of the "I don't have" headspace, and I'm as guilty of it as anyone, even while condemning it. The biggest challenge is that companies have gotten SO GOOD at twisting 'I wants' into 'I needs', it's like they bribed Webster (or Dictionary.com for anyone born after 1990) to make the swap. They've gotten so good at it that they've taught their audience to do it for them. How often do you hear the phrase, "I would die with out my <blank>"? I bet most people would fill that space with a smart phone, but that's only the latest trend. I predict in 10 years (probably 5) there won't even be a phone without a data plan. Smart phones are just one more way of showing, you didn't need it until you had it and the companies are just laying down the path for us to walk.
Some will say that they know it's not a "need" they just SAY that. Well then listen to how you sound when you say it. Do you think the company would have you phrase it any differently? Does Apple even bother to advertise anymore, or do they just make front page any time someone whispers about a new product line? Truth is, we're all walking billboards and PR companies are paid big bucks to compete for your advertising space.
This whole culture could be the topic (and certainly has been the topic) of many studies and essays, but my focus here is viewing the world of what we "don't have". In that respect, I have a confession. If you walk through my apartment it's pretty much packed with technology. Computer, 2nd monitor, XBox, 42" TV, studio reference monitors, digital preamps, 2nd XBox (don't ask), iPod touch, headphones, headsets, coffee makers, electric razors, printers, router, 2nd router (don't ask), please don't rob me, iPod dock, cell phone and a whole slew of musical gear (which are the only, moderately justifiable purchases). What else could I possibly need? Oh look! The new iPod touch has a freaking camera on it!
I know, right?? That's why I want to be better. The funniest part of this is if I took away all of that technology (except my cell phone, I would DIE without my cellphone), my previous blog would have been EXACTLY the same (except I'd have no where to type it. The irony is not lost on me). Yesterday was rich with laughter, activity, communication and growth. We say we buy these things to enrich our lives, but when was the last time quality time with a friend was made better by them being on their blackberry? When was the last time your family became closer while sitting in front of a 50" flat screen? Though I love my "stuff" (and you all know you do) I think I'll try and find ways to use it to actually enrich my life. Like skyping my friend in San Francisco, playing video games with a group of guys (yelling at each other is bonding for guys), texting my friend that I'll be ten minutes late and not to worry. But NOT focussing on whether I need a TV that has 8" more viewing space, an extra XBox just because it's on sale (sigh), a toaster that has 4 slots instead of 2 for the one day a year a girl sleeps over or a new iPod app that helps with self-depricating humour.
I'm sure someone has said all this better than I can, but this is my personal lesson and admonition. Especially around sales. Being poor, sales are like my crack. I do not need something just because it's %70 off! Although those tea cosies would look good in my kitchen...
There, blog done.
No, seriously, consumer culture is a huge topic on my mind at any given time. It's probably one of the biggest pit falls of the "I don't have" headspace, and I'm as guilty of it as anyone, even while condemning it. The biggest challenge is that companies have gotten SO GOOD at twisting 'I wants' into 'I needs', it's like they bribed Webster (or Dictionary.com for anyone born after 1990) to make the swap. They've gotten so good at it that they've taught their audience to do it for them. How often do you hear the phrase, "I would die with out my <blank>"? I bet most people would fill that space with a smart phone, but that's only the latest trend. I predict in 10 years (probably 5) there won't even be a phone without a data plan. Smart phones are just one more way of showing, you didn't need it until you had it and the companies are just laying down the path for us to walk.
Some will say that they know it's not a "need" they just SAY that. Well then listen to how you sound when you say it. Do you think the company would have you phrase it any differently? Does Apple even bother to advertise anymore, or do they just make front page any time someone whispers about a new product line? Truth is, we're all walking billboards and PR companies are paid big bucks to compete for your advertising space.
This whole culture could be the topic (and certainly has been the topic) of many studies and essays, but my focus here is viewing the world of what we "don't have". In that respect, I have a confession. If you walk through my apartment it's pretty much packed with technology. Computer, 2nd monitor, XBox, 42" TV, studio reference monitors, digital preamps, 2nd XBox (don't ask), iPod touch, headphones, headsets, coffee makers, electric razors, printers, router, 2nd router (don't ask), please don't rob me, iPod dock, cell phone and a whole slew of musical gear (which are the only, moderately justifiable purchases). What else could I possibly need? Oh look! The new iPod touch has a freaking camera on it!
I know, right?? That's why I want to be better. The funniest part of this is if I took away all of that technology (except my cell phone, I would DIE without my cellphone), my previous blog would have been EXACTLY the same (except I'd have no where to type it. The irony is not lost on me). Yesterday was rich with laughter, activity, communication and growth. We say we buy these things to enrich our lives, but when was the last time quality time with a friend was made better by them being on their blackberry? When was the last time your family became closer while sitting in front of a 50" flat screen? Though I love my "stuff" (and you all know you do) I think I'll try and find ways to use it to actually enrich my life. Like skyping my friend in San Francisco, playing video games with a group of guys (yelling at each other is bonding for guys), texting my friend that I'll be ten minutes late and not to worry. But NOT focussing on whether I need a TV that has 8" more viewing space, an extra XBox just because it's on sale (sigh), a toaster that has 4 slots instead of 2 for the one day a year a girl sleeps over or a new iPod app that helps with self-depricating humour.
I'm sure someone has said all this better than I can, but this is my personal lesson and admonition. Especially around sales. Being poor, sales are like my crack. I do not need something just because it's %70 off! Although those tea cosies would look good in my kitchen...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
day 5: tobogganing, train rides and other modes of moving along
Snow, snow, snow, snow, SNOOW!!!! Today was a day of making the most of it, and I had a lot of fun.
It started with a photoshoot for a new music school I joined, then found me on the TTC talking to a relative stranger about life as a musician (something I'll come back to). The transit was taking me to a café called Snakes & Lattes, my first time ever and it was SOOOO cool. Imagine a large cafe with its largest wall covered end to end with shelves containing every board game you could possibly imagine. Pay $5 to get in and stay as long as you want. BAD. ASS. Met up my friend Ben there for a game and later joined with friends for an impromptu stab at the christie pits via crazy carpet and honest ed's toboggan (which broke 40 minutes in, naturally). All this ending in a freezing TTC ride home, a change into pajama pants (which by some stroke of serendipity had been on the floor near the heating vent) and now sitting here typing this. And then now. And then now. And then now.
Today was especially special for one good conversation with a guy who's name I won't remember. Not I can't. I CHOOSE not to remember.
The conversation was about what we were doing with music. This goes back a little to what I was discussing (with myself) yesterday, but basically we were sitting there reflecting on what we'd done to be where we were. It seemed like a series of steps, slowly disconnecting ourselves from the occupations/commitments that were unsavoury and replacing them with something a little closer to "right". I had gone from multiple retail jobs (literally, EVERY retail job in technology) to teaching 45 private students a week, to studio manager at this beautiful studio in Etobicoke and still teaching on the side. This year I struck out with just the studio and random corporate/wedding gigs to pay my way. To clarify, teaching was something I loved doing (if not with so many students I couldn't remember half their names), but the travel out of Toronto and boss there (who was two tracks short of an LP) made the job less than desirable, despite loving my students. The one day of teaching I've recently picked up has been with an awesome friend who's starting up her own school and is right down the street from me. In all respects a better situation. Plus I have a cute coworker. Who has a boyfriend. TYPICAL!
Anyway, I get caught up some times imagining all the things my band has not managed to do that I wish we could have. Keep in mind this is different from the issue yesterday where I'm comparing myself to others' success, but rather where I set up an expectation for myself and somehow fall short. Why can't I find an audience for my music? Why am I not good enough? Why can't I even keep a band together long enough to play a damn show!?*
The chat with <blank> (Sean? Taroon? Shirley?) gave meaning to an old adage, "Life is the journey, not the destination". Kind of like when I started this blog I was re-evaulating and appreciating the wisdom in the ole glass half full/half empty adage, I think I'm almost ready to really understand the "journey" quote. Today I had a blast, spent some time with amazing people, did a fun shoot with some fellow teachers and on monday I get to go to a multi-million dollar recording facility to spend time with maybe the coolest group of coworkers I have ever had. While I'm there I get to do a job that I may not even be qualified to do with people who for some reason, seem to genuinely respect me**.
Today I have a lot to appreciate. And even if I haven't done everything I said I'd do at 20, I certainly can't say I'm not getting closer to the life I want to lead and the man I want to be.
REMINDER OF TOPICS TO PURSUE:
Building, managing and letting go of expectations*
Being worthy of your present, your past and your future**
It started with a photoshoot for a new music school I joined, then found me on the TTC talking to a relative stranger about life as a musician (something I'll come back to). The transit was taking me to a café called Snakes & Lattes, my first time ever and it was SOOOO cool. Imagine a large cafe with its largest wall covered end to end with shelves containing every board game you could possibly imagine. Pay $5 to get in and stay as long as you want. BAD. ASS. Met up my friend Ben there for a game and later joined with friends for an impromptu stab at the christie pits via crazy carpet and honest ed's toboggan (which broke 40 minutes in, naturally). All this ending in a freezing TTC ride home, a change into pajama pants (which by some stroke of serendipity had been on the floor near the heating vent) and now sitting here typing this. And then now. And then now. And then now.
Today was especially special for one good conversation with a guy who's name I won't remember. Not I can't. I CHOOSE not to remember.
The conversation was about what we were doing with music. This goes back a little to what I was discussing (with myself) yesterday, but basically we were sitting there reflecting on what we'd done to be where we were. It seemed like a series of steps, slowly disconnecting ourselves from the occupations/commitments that were unsavoury and replacing them with something a little closer to "right". I had gone from multiple retail jobs (literally, EVERY retail job in technology) to teaching 45 private students a week, to studio manager at this beautiful studio in Etobicoke and still teaching on the side. This year I struck out with just the studio and random corporate/wedding gigs to pay my way. To clarify, teaching was something I loved doing (if not with so many students I couldn't remember half their names), but the travel out of Toronto and boss there (who was two tracks short of an LP) made the job less than desirable, despite loving my students. The one day of teaching I've recently picked up has been with an awesome friend who's starting up her own school and is right down the street from me. In all respects a better situation. Plus I have a cute coworker. Who has a boyfriend. TYPICAL!
Anyway, I get caught up some times imagining all the things my band has not managed to do that I wish we could have. Keep in mind this is different from the issue yesterday where I'm comparing myself to others' success, but rather where I set up an expectation for myself and somehow fall short. Why can't I find an audience for my music? Why am I not good enough? Why can't I even keep a band together long enough to play a damn show!?*
The chat with <blank> (Sean? Taroon? Shirley?) gave meaning to an old adage, "Life is the journey, not the destination". Kind of like when I started this blog I was re-evaulating and appreciating the wisdom in the ole glass half full/half empty adage, I think I'm almost ready to really understand the "journey" quote. Today I had a blast, spent some time with amazing people, did a fun shoot with some fellow teachers and on monday I get to go to a multi-million dollar recording facility to spend time with maybe the coolest group of coworkers I have ever had. While I'm there I get to do a job that I may not even be qualified to do with people who for some reason, seem to genuinely respect me**.
Today I have a lot to appreciate. And even if I haven't done everything I said I'd do at 20, I certainly can't say I'm not getting closer to the life I want to lead and the man I want to be.
REMINDER OF TOPICS TO PURSUE:
Building, managing and letting go of expectations*
Being worthy of your present, your past and your future**
Friday, January 7, 2011
day 4: road stories, fantasy novels and victory over PS3
Today I had an opportunity to see something I didn't like, think up a solution, and change it.
This represents the opposite side of the coin to this whole blogsperiment. Knowing when to change what you don't like about your situation. How can you make a daily routine of appreciating/learning to care for who you are and what you already have, but still work to better yourself? How do you spend less time focusing on what you don't have and haven't achieved, while trying to achieve what you don't yet have? I've been pondering on this a lot today and learned thinking is hard. I did, however, scratch out two ideas.
Dwelling on shortcomings doesn't actually help achieve goals:
As a musician, I'm hard wired for self doubt. Every day I'm faced with musicians who out-write, out-play and out-perform me (I'm also jealous of thicker beards and daintier ankles). Every day I'm faced with one more venue, grant application or investor who says no. At the same time, there's little to no chance I can even objectively look at my own music and know if it's any good. It's actually a bit ridiculous. It can be hard to understand, but I can easily rate one artist's song against another, even come up with really strong musical or logistic arguments to support my choice, but throw a tune in the line up that I've written myself? My proximity to the art makes perspective almost impossible. A lot of musicians I know will take that whole mess so personally that it literally cripples their ability to learn and grow as their own musicians. They live in a world of success-by-comparison and it rather ironically makes them learn slower, learn the wrong things and ultimately poisons their ability to really create themselves as an artist.
The journey of your life should not be played as a competitive sport (unless you play competitive sports). We have seven billion people on this planet who have all tread VERY different paths. How could you really compare them? Have we all been training to play the same game? No. Our experiences have prepped us all for very different journeys, with different bars set, goal lines drawn and our own privately written rule book. In fact, this blog is part of MY rule book. If it doesn't suit you, neat! Invest time in writing your own. Though I sincerely hope that some part of my journey does help another or serve a greater purpose, I don't need it to because I know what it means to me. I think that's the fallacy of most who try to sell "wisdom" or "self-help", is their belief that they alone have the right answers for everyone. It's narcissism, bordering on lunacy, and is one of the many reasons you won't find me in a church/synagogue/mosque/auction house.
I personally think growth and improvement, reaching that next level then isn't about dwelling on what's missing or what someone else has achieved, but about finding the solutions to what you want for yourself. This concept brought me to another way of approaching it.
"Think of the problem, not the solution":
This quote actually comes from a very cool series by an author named Terry Goodkind, and it's a quote I've taken every where with me. Seeing the negative? Seeing what's missing and using it as a crutch for self-pity? That's thinking of the problem. While everyone's entitled to a bout of self-pity now and again (and believe me, I've taken my share), progress comes from thinking of the solution. I have an example I can give from a gig I did a few years ago. We're in Barrie, and it's my third time working with this band as a sub for their regular singer. It's been a fun run so far and the bars we have played, if not all fantastic, were all gracious hosts (except Sudbury. That place is horrifying). As the bass player and I approach the bar he considers whether or not he remembers this venue having a PA system (the speakers that amplify vocals).
"Well what do you guys normally do?" says I.
"Well, our old singer would bring his PA if the venue didn't have one" explains [bass].
"Well [bandleader] didn't tell me to bring a PA. I'm not even sure he knows I own one, so it shouldn't be a problem"
Long story short, the bandleader DID in fact expect me to bring one (as though I ever had before) and was furious I "forgot". He tries getting his yell on with me and I pass the cell to [bass] as [bandleader] continues to rage (and is on a home phone. He's been unreachable until about 1hr before we start playing).
It was like watching a train wreck in slow-mo, the gig about to crash and burn. I check my watch, it's 8:50pm, and think if there were a music store near by, the latest it'd be open is 9pm. I pull out my cell and call directory. I ask for music stores near Barrie. I find one right off the highway. I connect to the music store and ask if they have a PA system available for rental that night and were they still open. They're about to close but they'll hold the doors to help us out.
By the time I got off my cell, [bass] was still getting an earful from [bandleader]. I told him to just hangup and we sped off. We got the PA and did the gig, got paid and then [bandleader] stuck me with the PA bill (he was a grade-a dick mitten). All the while I thought to myself, thank you Mr. Goodkind. While others dwelt on the problem I put together a solution, just in the nick of time. Also thank you sense of self-worth, for reminding me I should've gotten off the bandwagon at the gig with strippers (Sudbury, obviously).
Today I appreciate solutions to problems and the ability to find them. I view self-improvement as a daily challenge of moving forward with those solutions, not a daily ritual of assessing what I don't have.
Which reminds me, I don't have a PS3. But my XBOX is dope on a rope! (miniature win!)
miniature moment 2
I have a $38 check to deposit. *Sigh*
I mean... I have a $38 dollar check to deposit!
Miniature win!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
miniature moment 1
Ben bought me a Frosty with M&M's and that's not what I wanted. I didn't ask for M&M's. I decided to let go of previous expectations and enjoy it. It was delicious. And crunchy. Thanks Ben!
Miniature win!
Miniature win!
day 3: babies, brooms and better practices. (and bubbles)
Some good friends of mine, the Bakers (Sarah & Jeff), have recently expelled twin boys from yonder womb. Anyone who's had a baby (or remembers their babyhood with crystal clarity) will know what an undertaking the first couple of years of that life style is about. And by "life style" I of course mean having a baby tethered via swaddling chain to each foot as you try and go about a normal person's routine. It just ain't the same. There's more poo, vomit, tears and sleepless nights than you can shake a stick at, unless that stick is also a baby (sidenote: NEVER shake a baby). Take that stress and throw in your landlords asking for the third time that you vacate your apartment and pire your furniture on your way out so they can fumigate for roaches (which by all accounts, have been gone since before they moved in), and you've basically got a Vegas-grade shit-show (multiple entendre!) for two people (all-inclusive, no expenses paid).
Call to action friends and family, I find myself wielding a broom and vacuum over at their apartment helping them pack it in. Four unlikely house-maids trying to get a somewhat ill-defined task to completion. It's ineffectual but well intentioned, and it used to drive me absolutely CRAZY. These are the kind of scenarios that would have me putting on a foreman's hat, shouting in a megaphone for everyone to do what I say and how I say it so we can get it done right and right quick.
I'm not gonna shy from this, it turns out, I'm a really good leader. I have a unique way of seeing problems and their possible solutions. I tend to think of the end product and work backwards to see the snags in all possible processes. Doesn't make me always right (and I'm okay with being wrong), but it usually makes me right-er. I'm the guy who will stand at the trunk as you bring out bags so he can squeeze them in in an impossible tetris of glorious crammage. I get actual adrenaline boosts from those victories.
So what was different today?
Realizing that part of my agitation is in seeing what someone else is doing "wrong", I ask myself what their "wrong" really means to me. It's not that there way is better than mine, or even that their way is equally valid, just "theirs". Fuck that, my way is certainly better. It's more that, who gives a shit? If we were building a pyramid and I saw someone putting in a foundation stone wrong, I would probably mention something (I don't mind being the guy who says what no one wants to hear but needs to, and as a slave I'd still be all "yeah but, then the rest will be all shitty" while getting whipped). This isn't that. It's four people laughing and making jokes, trying their best to make life easier for two special people, and you know what? It's going to get done. Why does it matter that it get done to my exacting specifications?
I also realize that by creating an environment of cold efficiency in an otherwise casual workforce of friends just trying to help, I'm trying too hard to control my environment without just letting the experience be the experience. Control and my need for it is a recently unveiled challenge and I could write another blog on just that. But I won't. It's getting better :)
I start thinking about my broom strokes. I took a little longer cause I really watched for errant dust and chased it down like it was Harrison Ford and the broom was Tommy Lee Jones and the dust was all "I didn't dirty your apartment, it was yo damn [one-armed] cat!", and the brooms all, "I just want to talk, we can talk about this", but really it wants to get that dust locked up tight in the pan, cause it figures it's got an open and shut case, but Julianne Moore's all "he saved that kid", and now he's second guessing himself... What the hell was I talking about… Oh, right. Point is, I enjoyed doing my work how I thought it should be done instead of stressing about how other people weren't doing their jobs to whatever tyrannical standards I apply to "can you guys help just like, clean up and stuff?".
Taking charge and making things the best they can be is a great skill, and I love having it. Like anything, balancing is the key as well as not doing it just to be right or dwell on what's wrong. I enjoyed my time lending a hand and to be honest, it's hard not to be "glass half full" with a couple of babies around. Cute little balls of mish. One day they'll be people and they can write blogs that constantly derail. Not unlike that train that the dust escaped from….
Call to action friends and family, I find myself wielding a broom and vacuum over at their apartment helping them pack it in. Four unlikely house-maids trying to get a somewhat ill-defined task to completion. It's ineffectual but well intentioned, and it used to drive me absolutely CRAZY. These are the kind of scenarios that would have me putting on a foreman's hat, shouting in a megaphone for everyone to do what I say and how I say it so we can get it done right and right quick.
I'm not gonna shy from this, it turns out, I'm a really good leader. I have a unique way of seeing problems and their possible solutions. I tend to think of the end product and work backwards to see the snags in all possible processes. Doesn't make me always right (and I'm okay with being wrong), but it usually makes me right-er. I'm the guy who will stand at the trunk as you bring out bags so he can squeeze them in in an impossible tetris of glorious crammage. I get actual adrenaline boosts from those victories.
So what was different today?
Realizing that part of my agitation is in seeing what someone else is doing "wrong", I ask myself what their "wrong" really means to me. It's not that there way is better than mine, or even that their way is equally valid, just "theirs". Fuck that, my way is certainly better. It's more that, who gives a shit? If we were building a pyramid and I saw someone putting in a foundation stone wrong, I would probably mention something (I don't mind being the guy who says what no one wants to hear but needs to, and as a slave I'd still be all "yeah but, then the rest will be all shitty" while getting whipped). This isn't that. It's four people laughing and making jokes, trying their best to make life easier for two special people, and you know what? It's going to get done. Why does it matter that it get done to my exacting specifications?
I also realize that by creating an environment of cold efficiency in an otherwise casual workforce of friends just trying to help, I'm trying too hard to control my environment without just letting the experience be the experience. Control and my need for it is a recently unveiled challenge and I could write another blog on just that. But I won't. It's getting better :)
I start thinking about my broom strokes. I took a little longer cause I really watched for errant dust and chased it down like it was Harrison Ford and the broom was Tommy Lee Jones and the dust was all "I didn't dirty your apartment, it was yo damn [one-armed] cat!", and the brooms all, "I just want to talk, we can talk about this", but really it wants to get that dust locked up tight in the pan, cause it figures it's got an open and shut case, but Julianne Moore's all "he saved that kid", and now he's second guessing himself... What the hell was I talking about… Oh, right. Point is, I enjoyed doing my work how I thought it should be done instead of stressing about how other people weren't doing their jobs to whatever tyrannical standards I apply to "can you guys help just like, clean up and stuff?".
Taking charge and making things the best they can be is a great skill, and I love having it. Like anything, balancing is the key as well as not doing it just to be right or dwell on what's wrong. I enjoyed my time lending a hand and to be honest, it's hard not to be "glass half full" with a couple of babies around. Cute little balls of mish. One day they'll be people and they can write blogs that constantly derail. Not unlike that train that the dust escaped from….
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
day 2: heavier than chocolate, lighter than air
Relationships are probably the trickiest. I think getting caught up in what a relationship doesn't have that you think it ought to is a huge cause of often unnecessary discomfort. Keeping in mind this doesn't really relate to how you think you should be treated. That expectation is always your own to manage. This is about putting an expectation on how a relationship should be, develop, endure and fulfill you.
I remember many times meeting someone and wanting to be closer to them. It's a challenge. You have an idea of how important you could or should be to someone and then try to fabricate the conditions. Usually that effort is not just wasted, it's counterproductive to getting what you thought you wanted.
Today I was spending time with a friend. There are a lot of complicating factors around this particular friend, but the one I most often despair over is that I think she's perfect in every way, and she's happily in a relationship with someone else. I've honestly never met a woman who forces a smile on my face the way she does. I believe that I could end up seriously and irretrievably in love with her, and every time I walk away from seeing her I get upset that it can't be the way I want it.
Starting today I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to try and appreciate what's really special about our friendship. That I'm always laughing, that I'm always happy and that I always want to spend more time. I'm going to revel in and enjoy that as much as I can, and try not to wish and hang on things that can't be. This is where this blog comes from. Don't focus on what's missing. Appreciate what you have.
I have an amazing friend who makes me feel alive. Day 2, in the bag.
I remember many times meeting someone and wanting to be closer to them. It's a challenge. You have an idea of how important you could or should be to someone and then try to fabricate the conditions. Usually that effort is not just wasted, it's counterproductive to getting what you thought you wanted.
Today I was spending time with a friend. There are a lot of complicating factors around this particular friend, but the one I most often despair over is that I think she's perfect in every way, and she's happily in a relationship with someone else. I've honestly never met a woman who forces a smile on my face the way she does. I believe that I could end up seriously and irretrievably in love with her, and every time I walk away from seeing her I get upset that it can't be the way I want it.
Starting today I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to try and appreciate what's really special about our friendship. That I'm always laughing, that I'm always happy and that I always want to spend more time. I'm going to revel in and enjoy that as much as I can, and try not to wish and hang on things that can't be. This is where this blog comes from. Don't focus on what's missing. Appreciate what you have.
I have an amazing friend who makes me feel alive. Day 2, in the bag.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
day 1: start right, make mistakes, regroup and carry on.
This is all so fresh, I'm almost at a loss as to where to start. I guess it would be best to start simple. In fact, when I started really pulling this idea apart, I realized I needed some practical ways to start appreciating the here and now without focusing on what's missing. Part of that involves making moments more special that we take for granted and seeing the effect the other has.
I decided one of the best things I could start with, would be to savour food. This is a seemingly arbitrary way to start making my case for the glass is half full, but fuck it. It was an excuse to buy chocolate.
After getting off the subway on my way to crazy Mary's, I went to one of my favourite stores, Shoppers Drugmart. Here's the thing about shoppers… Most women appreciate it because it's a one stop wonderland for everything they need that guys don't care to know about. I love it because it has THE BEST sales on chocolate of any store in Toronto. In rural Ontario? Giant Tiger. In the city? Shoppers.
So I searches me the fancy candies. Lindt on sale, two for something cheap. Dope. Orange Intense and Crunchy Caramel? All of these things are things I want in my mouth. No word is out of place.
Now here's the rub. I buy chocolate a lot. It's one of my few vices. For whatever reason (my mother's name is Whatever Reason) I have identified it as a comfort food and natural opiate. As this thought process of appreciation and savouring starts to permeate my dome-piece, I realize I pop it like pills. I scarf it down like it's the cure to being irish without ever really tasting it. No wonder I feel a need for it 2-3(-9) times a day, I rarely actually enjoy this supposedly enjoyable snack enough for it to register.
It hits me that this applies to a lot of food. Good food, bad food, it rarely matters. I'm eating it while running out the door, while standing on the subway. I'm trying to eat it while watching TV or dicking around (I mean working hard) on the computer. How many times a week do I sit down and enjoy a meal? How many people in the city can honestly say they savour a meal? Even if you do sit down with it, do you think about what it means to be fuelling yourself, not just with that gruel you put in the dog's dish every day, but a variety of spices, flavours, mixes, blends, accents and flares? Have you tried making anything recently that actually has any of that? Or did you microwave chicken nuggets from no frills for the 3rd time this week?
I've made eating an onerous chore, one that only serves to keep me going to the next Subway, Second Cup or *shudder* Humber Caf stop-over. That doesn't seem right.
~~~(<this is a brain wave)
Wow. Stop the bus. Demonizing bad habits of eating? I'm only one post in and I've already made my first mistake. I'm dwelling on the things I'm doing wrong. I'm really good at that. This blog isn't about improving my innate reflexes to chastise myself, it's about reshaping them to suit who I want to be.
I'm actually proud of this. This little rant, this is classic me. Analyzing this rant for where I went wrong, THAT would be classic me. I'm here to do better. To learn something. So what am I learning?
Today I ate my Milk Chocolate Crunchy Caramel bar in small bites, and thought about the flavour. I didn't scarf it, thus missing the point. I didn't think about all the things the bar wasn't that I had experienced in other bars. Start with something simple. I really enjoyed you Lindt bar! Thank you for the delicious lessons contained within.
I decided one of the best things I could start with, would be to savour food. This is a seemingly arbitrary way to start making my case for the glass is half full, but fuck it. It was an excuse to buy chocolate.
After getting off the subway on my way to crazy Mary's, I went to one of my favourite stores, Shoppers Drugmart. Here's the thing about shoppers… Most women appreciate it because it's a one stop wonderland for everything they need that guys don't care to know about. I love it because it has THE BEST sales on chocolate of any store in Toronto. In rural Ontario? Giant Tiger. In the city? Shoppers.
So I searches me the fancy candies. Lindt on sale, two for something cheap. Dope. Orange Intense and Crunchy Caramel? All of these things are things I want in my mouth. No word is out of place.
Now here's the rub. I buy chocolate a lot. It's one of my few vices. For whatever reason (my mother's name is Whatever Reason) I have identified it as a comfort food and natural opiate. As this thought process of appreciation and savouring starts to permeate my dome-piece, I realize I pop it like pills. I scarf it down like it's the cure to being irish without ever really tasting it. No wonder I feel a need for it 2-3(-9) times a day, I rarely actually enjoy this supposedly enjoyable snack enough for it to register.
It hits me that this applies to a lot of food. Good food, bad food, it rarely matters. I'm eating it while running out the door, while standing on the subway. I'm trying to eat it while watching TV or dicking around (I mean working hard) on the computer. How many times a week do I sit down and enjoy a meal? How many people in the city can honestly say they savour a meal? Even if you do sit down with it, do you think about what it means to be fuelling yourself, not just with that gruel you put in the dog's dish every day, but a variety of spices, flavours, mixes, blends, accents and flares? Have you tried making anything recently that actually has any of that? Or did you microwave chicken nuggets from no frills for the 3rd time this week?
I've made eating an onerous chore, one that only serves to keep me going to the next Subway, Second Cup or *shudder* Humber Caf stop-over. That doesn't seem right.
~~~(<this is a brain wave)
Wow. Stop the bus. Demonizing bad habits of eating? I'm only one post in and I've already made my first mistake. I'm dwelling on the things I'm doing wrong. I'm really good at that. This blog isn't about improving my innate reflexes to chastise myself, it's about reshaping them to suit who I want to be.
I'm actually proud of this. This little rant, this is classic me. Analyzing this rant for where I went wrong, THAT would be classic me. I'm here to do better. To learn something. So what am I learning?
Today I ate my Milk Chocolate Crunchy Caramel bar in small bites, and thought about the flavour. I didn't scarf it, thus missing the point. I didn't think about all the things the bar wasn't that I had experienced in other bars. Start with something simple. I really enjoyed you Lindt bar! Thank you for the delicious lessons contained within.
and so it begins
"It's a dangerous trap to see the world through the veneer of what you 'don't have'. The glass is half full isn't an archaic metaphor. I don't think there has ever been an age where it was more relevant.
I've been exhausting myself lately and have come to realize that it's this practice that causes most of it. It can relate to body image, material objects, skills, relationships, anything really. If you constantly berate yourself for what you haven't achieved you can never really appreciate what you have. I'm unhappy with this. I think I'll change it." -facebook status, January 4th, 2011
After a mulling over and discussing this with friends (and my brain-deboggler, Mary) I've come to take this even more seriously than I did 12 hours ago. I'm starting to see how my failure to adhere to this has affected literally every part of my life. Changing it will take more than realizing it's there and then losing the concept a week from now in the rush of day to day life. I'm taking over.
I start this blog with the simple mission of cataloguing one thing each day, that I appreciate about my life for one whole year (365 days, 52 weeks, 7 dog years). I will take, at the least, one moment each day to appreciate, savour, be thankful for, something or someone in my life. In the interest of honesty (and making this more compelling than watching paint dry on the back of a self-congratulating narcissist) I will juxtapose each moment savoured with what my instinctual response had been. I will also be honest about my failures. In a way, appreciating failure is part of what this is about.
This will get rocky. And it will get personal. And it's a journey for myself made public in the interest of spreading the self-discovery bug. It's actually contagious. You should probably get yourself checked out.
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