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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

day 37: isolation, friendship and watanalogies (water analogies)

I sometimes find myself faced with a feeling of debilitating isolation and loneliness. Not loneliness as in, for the company of other people (although I'm certainly human in that respect), but as in feeling like I don't belong among my fellow man. It's this sensation that I just don't get other human creatures. I use "creatures" because some times I don't feel like a person at all, and other times I don't feel like anyone else is. It comes in alternating waves. Sometimes I rage at what I think is the pitiful squalor of man, sometimes I feel like I was never meant to measure up. It's all very human I suppose, but it's all accompanied by this very deep and profound sorrow that I will never meet others like me, or that I will never find anyone to take me in. It's rare I sway heavily into this mindset - despite my wearing everything on my digital sleeve I think I may be one of the more balanced people I know - it just comes to mind now and again if I spend too much time introspecting.

   I'm sharing this because, in the spirit of this blog, I've had quite a contrary experience to this in the last few days. In the last few days I have had such an incredible outpouring of support and care from friends and family as I've never known. I've been going through something of a public trial and, until a few days ago, thought the weight of it might finally pull me under. I'm not trying to be sensational (this time), it actually felt a bit like drowning. Instead I feel like those I care about most in my life have brought the floor of the ocean up under my feet. Not just kept my head above water, but gave me ground where I was sure there was none. I can't express my gratitude. It's been more than just listening, it's been more than just being there, it has been a genuine and authentic show of care and respect and I honestly can't not smile when it comes my way.

   So I want to take some time to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not a stranger in this world. That there are those who value what I value. Those who care for me as I care for them. Those who would fight what I fight for, live for what I live for. And that it doesn't take a copy of me to understand me (thank god). We all deal...

   To those of you who have offered anything to me in return for nothing, please know I will be there in your darker times. And when you feel like you don't quite fit anywhere, there's always room over here.

   Much love.

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