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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

day 49: jesus, don't take the wheel, I got this...

I have a habit of taking control when control is taken from me. It's my way of coping. When something really throws me for a loop or shows me a bit of chaos I couldn't plan for I tend to over exert my control in another area. Over exert makes it sound kind of negative, but I'm actually pretty good at making it have a positive impact.

   Certain things lately, large things, have been wrestled from my control and I've made some pretty big moves to fill the gap. The biggest move has been to re-imagine myself a little. If James is to grow from this point, where could he grow too? If I want to move onto something new (in this case, career wise) what's the best next step? And how do I grab the reins and start steering this mustang down the path that fits?

   When it comes to jobs I'm a tough sell. I've only really stuck to one job in my life for over a year and it's because I need new challenges and new experiences in my days. As soon as something becomes rote it becomes a chore and I need to move on to something new. This can be a troublesome trait in blue collar jobs but it also manifests itself with people, if only in relationships that exist in constant cyclical interactions. If it feels like a treadmill, I get anxious. Most of my relationships aren't though, they're living organisms that are alive with meaning and purpose. It doesn't need to be conflict, it just can't be static (or in the treadmill analogy, static with the appearance of movement).

   Anyhizzle, I first thought of 3 things I've imagined myself doing over the last year; psychology, music theatre and video game development. Only slightly different fields, right? As I say, no person is any one thing. All represent different aspects of myself, different manifestations of my passion and all are highly stimulating for me. At this stage of the game I figure, why put only one iron in the fire? In just the last 12 hours I've travelled to Sheridan College to talk with the Program Coordinator of their music theatre program about jumping into their audition process, called up friends in the video game industry to ask about hooking me up with a Q.A. position (game testing) and talked at length to a psychoanalyst about a 6 year program in downtown TO to become a psychotherapist (talk therapy).

   This might be what I mean about over exerting. I'm making solid steps in the right directions, but so many directions and with such force. Mary would say to slow it down (actually, Mary DID say to slow it down), but I'm not sure I want to fight my natural mechanism to move on and throw myself back into the fray. I know in some ways it's to ignore what comes of losing that original control (something I'm apparently not ready to grieve yet), but at this point I don't have a lot of options but to push on and do the best I can do.

   So today I'm appreciating the knack for a little rash planning, the ability to cope with losing control, and the inclination to always keep myself in over my head. Day 49. Was in the bag, but the bag fell in a river and got washed away. I fashioned a new bag out of chain mail cause that's how I do. Day 49, in the chain mail satchel. Let's see your arrows fuck with it now, fate! Your chaos arrows! I've lost my train of thought… These next few days will be scattered. Steel yourself.

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